To get things clear first and foremost – I am not a feminist.
Nor am I anti-feminist.
I just believe that gender equality should exist, but of course according to the Quran there are limits as to what gender equality should mean.
“Women shall with justice have rights similar to those exercised against them, although men have a status above women”
But I am not here to debate about Feminism. There’s a different topic I’d like to give my “2 cents worth”.
But oh, before I forget, Happy International Women’s Day to all ma girls around the world!
I am all about empowering women. I support my female friends, acquaintances in whichever way I can. Sometimes even the smallest gesture plays a part too ie; smiling at other girls although you don’t know them. Buying products from the small business they run, although you know you don’t use the product. Suggesting good books to read because you know those books can benefit them. Or in my case now, giving advices on how to take care of their skin better. It makes me really happy to know I am able to contribute although it’s a minuscule effort.
But what I am going to touch about today, is #HormatHakOrang (translated to English is #RespectOthersRight). This sad “epidemic” has been going on forever, but in the millennial era it seems to be somewhat of a norm, which sickens me. What is even more disappointing is that it happens when women completely disregard another women’s feelings.
#HormatHakOrang refers to a situation where a marriage is
broken affected because of a third person. That third person can be a male or a female of course, but I’d like to focus on the latter. Nowadays in Malaysia there are many cases such as this, and the most popular one is about a certain celebrity whose case was so famous that she became the poster child for “Homewreckers”.
To me it’s simple, this situation can easily be avoided. If you are single and you befriend a person whom you know is married, be wary of the consequences. There has to be a limit to that relationship. And even if he comes to you with the intention to be “more than friends”, that is a warning sign, a red flag, MAYDAYMAYDAY – whatever you want to call it – for you to back off. NOT a license for you to come closer to start something that will eventually lead to zina.
And you should know the “Modus Operandi” with these kinds of men. There’s always “I am not happy with my wife” complaints, “I am not happy with my marriage” complaints. These are all tools to make you feel and think that it’s okay to proceed having an affair with a married man because you will surely go thinking “If he’s not happy with his marriage, why not? Maybe it is our destiny to meet like this”.
Yes, it is true that in Islam a man can marry four times. However, do not use Islam as a way of breaking other people’s marriages.
I know, love is blind. But you know what isn’t? FAITH. ISLAM. If you are a real Muslim, you would know, anything under these circumstances is wrong and unlawful. So if you find yourself under the dilemma, here are tips to analyze whether or not the relationship is truly “fated”.
1. What is his real intention?
With men it’s easy (a real man, that is). If he’s serious, he means business. If he wants to marry you (when he’s single), he’ll talk about you with his closest friends. And ultimately bring you to see his family. Men are always so opaque about their family and will only reveal when they have intention to marry you.
If he’s a married man and has spoken out his intention to marry you, he will speak about it with his wife and family to ask permission. And he will really make you his second wife. (not applicable to those who keeps saying he will marry you thousand times since the past 4-5 years and yet still have not fulfill his promise).
So do a thorough check: Does his BFF knows about you (as someone he is really interested in)? Have you met his parents, particularly his mom? Does anyone at all know your existence in his life? Has he voiced out his intention to marry you and actually made the effort to fulfill it? If the answer is NO to all of the above, well, you know how much you’re worth. And there is no such thing as “It’s too early for me to share about you with my family and friends, hope you understand” if you’ve known each other for about a whole year (or more) and call each other yucky pet names.
2. Are you just a booty call?
This, too, is easy to identify. If he contacts you out of the blue just to rile you up to talk about sexual stuff before disappearing again… well, you know what’s your worth.
If you find yourself as a Muslimah, with a waras head enough to know that you do not have a halal relationship with a man (especially a married man), yet unabashedly share intimate photos of your aurat with them…. gurl you really need to buy yourself sum dignity cuz’ really? And this is based on real stories, ladies and gents. I know a few girls who do things like this “out of love”. نعوذ بالله من ذلك. And they think it’s OK because the guy shared photos of their intimate things too. Men are smart, do you know 80% shared photos of intimate parts taken from Google??? You don’t, don’t you???
“And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a shameless thing and an evil Way.”
3. Is he really in love with you?
For men, there’s always a special bond with the first wife. There has to be a reason why he married his first wife (unless it’s a fixed marriage). Do a lot of research, see the outcomes of these kind of relationships. If he loves his wife and loves you too and makes the effort to marry you, that is called Polygamy. If he loves you and marries you and then divorces his first wife, that is called selfish. Selfish for his sake or for your sake? Wallahualam. That is between you, him and Allah.
Don’t think his act to leave his first wife is a way to prove his love for you. Always remember this… if he can do it to another woman, he can definitely do it to you too 😉
Sigh. Empowering women means to advice and to correct… so I am doing my part here as a woman. Please, love yourself. Have dignity (LOTS OF EM). In Islam, there are many hadiths as well as excerpts about women in the Quran that shows how high a woman’s status is.
If the eyes of a female cry over a man, the angels curse him on every step he walk. Women are like flowers, they must be treated gently, kindly and with affectionate.
[Hazrat Ali Said]
“O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the dowry you have given them – except when they have become guilty of open lewdness. On the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike something and Allah will bring about through it a great deal of good.”
“Whatever men earn, they have a share of that and whatever a women earn, they have a share in that”
Prophet Muhammad said, “The best of you are those who are kindest to your wife”
“The women are not a garment you wear and undress however you like. They are honoured and have their rights”
[Umar Ibn Khattab R.A]
Prophet Muhammad said, “A good man treats women with honour”
Some men do treat their wives well, but then why are they doing cruel things such as giving false hopes and manipulating other women? It’s because they do not have any obligation towards other women. So be smart. Love yourself. Protect yourself from men like this.
And always, always be kind to other women. Before you indulge yourself deeper, always think about the wife. AND KIDS. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you like to know if there is another woman acting intimately with your husband? How would you feel if you know your husband is committing adultery with another woman? Don’t be selfish. Don’t fall victim to love. Love is not blind, if you choose to not let it be blind. Always remember to #HormatHakOrang.
Fall ultimately in love with Allah, for that is the highest level of love you can ever have.
Below are some verses on those who commit zina or to home wreckers:
“Adulterous men and women will be thrown naked into a pit of raging fire. Every time the fire rises to the top of the pit, these people will scramble to get out. But then quickly the fire will submerge to the bottom of the pit and the sinners will continue burning.”
“The adulterous men and women will be made to drink the pus that oozes from people burning in Hell fire.”
“There comes a severe warning for those who corrupt the relationship between a woman and her husband, and incites her against him. It comes in a narration:
ملعون من خَّبب امرأة على زوجها
‘Cursed is the one who turns a woman against her husband’
This means they are the reason for her corrupt behavior towards him and her defiance of him. It is obligatory for the wife’s family to be diligent in trying to bring about rectification between the spouses because this is beneficial for her and for them.”
“A man striving to come between a woman and her husband is from the severest of sins, and it is from the actions of the magicians, and the greatest actions of the devils.”
[Shaykhul Islam Ibn Taymiyyah]
For all women undergoing tough situations in marriage… I pray that Allah makes it a smooth sailing journey for you. Embed this in mind: “Apa yang kita miliki hanyalah pinjaman sementara dari Allah” (Everything we have in life… they are all loaned to us by Allah). Nothing really ever belonged to us.
So make the effort, pray to Allah and ultimately, Tawakkal.
Kifarah itu ada and it may not come in the way you imagine. Ie tak lepas-lepas exam or can never get a stable job… just a few examples. For all we know, those who did wrong to us may never lead a peaceful life. So leave it to Allah.
May all marriages be protected from evil intentions, impure hearts belonged to a third person with hopes to wreck it. Amin.